Friday, November 11, 2005

Intelligent Design (I'm a Believer)

I've had a breakthrough. I believe in Intelligent Design. Not because of irreducible complexity though. Not because I disbelieve evolution either. Not even because I don't think that the big bang theory is a valid explanation or that life couldn't evolve from primordial soup or that DNA is too ordered to happen by chance. I don't believe in the Christian God either. Nor do I believe in Buddha or the Tao or subscribe to any other creator of any major world religion. Still,


There must be an intelligent designer. Here's why:

It all started with my realization that people are just (simply put) royally fucked up. There is no reason why we should have a large population of people that can't see things the way they are. Why do some people think Islam is a country instead of a religion? Why do some people go to Brazil just to join cults? What about those people who don't think CSI is great TV? How come some people drink decaffeinated coffee? What's with people who own little dogs? Who buys a pair of jeans for $150?

I can only come up with one answer to all of these questions. There must be an intelligent force that designed the universe solely for IT'S own entertainment. That's right my friends we are all just entertainment for some intelligent force that created the universe and everything in it.

I have also started developing a religion based upon this realization but it is in it's early phases. I just feel like we have to celebrate our designer in some way.

Keeping in mind that we are here for the entertainment of the Supreme Designer, I think we need to perform sacrificial acts. A few ideas I have had are as follows:

1) Disciples of the Supreme Designer should spend every Thursday involved in sacrificial drinking of Jagermeister. You must drink enough Jagermeister as determined by height to weight ratio in order to render yourself incapacitated. This is to ensure the Supreme Designer's entertainment by providing it with groups of humans behaving oddly and forgetting what they did before they passed out only to wake up the next morning having a tremendous headache asking their friends if they did anything stupid the night before.

2) Worshipers are asked to perform in ritual orgies every Tuesday night. This ensures the entertainment of the Supreme Designer by making sure it has porn on a weekly basis. It is also amuses the Supreme Designer to see people of little relation to each other perform lewd sexual acts. The Supreme Designer is also entertained by the fits of jealousy usually exhibited by one or both partners of committed relationships after the ritual orgies are finished.

3) Every year, the followers of the Supreme Designer shall pick one group of people based upon race, sexual orientation, religious beliefs or some other discerning quality. They will then persecute this group of people for the entire year. This causes entertainment for the Designer because it enjoys watching people foolishly degrade and punish one another.

Finally, I have realized that it is the Supreme Designer who has planted the seed of all other world religions. The Designer enjoys watching feeble humans fight with each other over who’s religion is more correct. So, regardless of what religion you actually believe in, it is really just an evil seed planted by the Supreme Designer. Therefore, everyone is affected by the Supreme Designer whether they decide to believe in it or not.

I don’t know how this realization came to me. I believe that I have been chosen by the Supreme Designer to pass on the insights it has allowed me to have. In some sense I suppose I am a prophet of the Supreme Designer. It has occurred to me that this may just be another attempt by the Supreme Designer to entertain itself, but I will still try to spread the word. Anyone who wants to join the Church of Supreme Design is welcome. I only ask that you donate a small amount to the cause of Supreme entertainment. The Designer likes to watch humans give up their hard earned money in some supposed support of itself.

If you would like to join the Church of Supreme Design you must only believe and offer yourself for the Supreme entertainment. Feel free to leave your comments of support.



Blogger FrankWit said...

Chuck, you truly are a great writer!

11/11/2005 2:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ritual drinking and ritual orgy makes J a true believer...

11/12/2005 9:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Either that or this is all just some science experiment gone horribly wrong...

Take a check?

11/16/2005 7:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As long as we can all gather 'round the festivus pole. And after dinner, we'll take turns going around the table and telling each other in what ways they've disappointed us over the past year.

11/18/2005 8:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why hold gruges, man? pce and luv... and ritual drinking and orgies... yeah...

11/19/2005 10:55 AM  
Blogger Doctor Marco said...

There is something great about being religious: nothing is impossible

12/18/2005 9:12 PM  

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